Thursday, December 25, 2008

Kahit Maputi Na Ang Buhok Ko

I just arrived from a reunion with my relatives who came from abroad. Most of them came home for the holidays because my cousin is getting married tomorrow.

It was nice seeing my cousins, aunts, uncles, and other relatives from abroad. But also kinda sad because some of them have grown old and weak.

My lola's sister, one of my favorites, is suffering from severe arthritis and also has mild dementia.

Her name is Paulina. Friends call her "Po-le" for short. But some of the kids could not pronounce it and called her "Oye". And so, she has since been fondly called as Nana Oye.

Because of the arthritis, hindi sya makagalaw without assistance. She has to have a walker and is always sitting down on her wheelchair. Because of the dementia, Nana Oye gets disoriented. She mistakes people for someone else. She sometimes doesn't recognize us. She sometimes looks for my grandfather who died in 1991.

It was a far cry from the robust and perky woman that I knew a few years ago.

I remember that people in her neighborhood lovingly call her the "Candy Lady". She made sure that she had small treats in her pocket to give out to the neighbors' kids when she meets them on the street. When someone did something nice for her, candy. When she talked with someone on the street, candy. The bus driver, the local priest, the mailman, the teenage bagger at the grocery store, you name it, she had candy for each one.

My fondest memory would be of her moving around the kitchen to cook one of her amazing meals. Each time we visit her and her daughter in California, we would gain weight. Ten pounds, minimum. Breakfast would be ready even before we woke up. She can cook a mean kare-kare. I called her "The Best Cook in the World", which tickled her pink. And I meant it.

I could recall how she would climb up and down the hilly terrain of their neighborhood in California. She would navigate the 15 steps up their backyard just to water the small pine trees that she herself planted. I can still see her hunkering down to tend to her front lawn, shears in her left hand, trowel in her right. Everyday, she would go to church and bring home treats for us from the grocery store.

Even when we were in Manila, her love and affection for us would cross the miles of oceans that separate us. She never forgot a birthday. She would make sure that we got cards that would arrive exactly a day before our birthday. Sometimes with a dollar or two inside.

To me, she was the epitome of energy and vivacity. She was fiesty and tart. But she loved us, and treated us like her very own grandchildren.

In mythology, the Sphinx was said to have guarded the entrance to the Greek city of Thebes and asked a riddle to travelers to allow them passage. The riddle goes:

Which creature in the morning goes on four legs,
At mid-day on two,
And in the evening upon three?"

Oedipus solved the riddle by answering: Man—who crawls on all fours as a baby, then walks on two feet as an adult, and then walks with a cane in old age.

I realize that there is another stage in Man's life: the stage where man needs more than three legs because he is too weak and therefore cannot live without the help of another. The weaker man gets during the twilight years, the more legs he needs.

Now, as I see Nana Oye's hunched figure silently sitting on a wheelchair, as I help her get up from bed, as she holds on to me as we walk, as I patiently explain things to her whenever she is disoriented, I realize, she needs another pair of legs to support her current three. And I will do my best to be those two extra legs while she is here. That's the least I could do to repay the love and care that she gave us.

Thank you, Nana Oye.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Love Letters From the Past Series 1

March 15, 2002
My dearest *****,

I want you to know that I am really happy to have kind of love that I have with you. I love it because it's true, and real, and trusting. Because it does my heart and soul good to know that I am going to be here for you, and you are here for me, when there are needs that need to be tended to, when there are feelings that need to be felt, and when there are smiles that simply need to be shared in the company of someone who really cares.

I don't know if I could ever completely describe to you how important your love is to me. Coz it is so much a part of all that is good in my world.

Sometimes, I feel that you are like a gift that was given to my days to make sure that they would always have some happiness in them. More than once, I have felt that what I lack in life, I make up for by having a love that I wouldn't trade for anything, anytime, anywhere.

The reason it is so hard for me to be so far apart from you is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and always will be.

A year ago, I asked myself what I really wanted in life. I realized that I wanted two things. First, I wanted you. And second, I wanted us to be together forever. The answers have not changed since then. I still want you, and I still want us to be together forever.

I have dreams in life that may never come true, travels I may never take, goals that I may not be able to achieve, and hopes that may be just beyond my reach. But I want you to know that whether my wishes come true, or whether they disappear altogether, I will always feel like one of the luckiest men in the world. Why? Because I have found a wonderful person in you.

You are the answer to every prayer that I have offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper. And I don't know how I could have lived without you for as long as I have.

I love you, *****. More than you can ever imagine. And I always will.

Happy 1st anniversary

With all my love and with all my heart,
Eric

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

That Four-Letter Word


Aeriths Theme (Piano Version) - Uematsu Nobuo

Curse that 4-letter word!
Love is a word we can do without...

~

I thought that distraction was the key.

Just bury my head in work,
have fun with material things,
drown myself with hobbies,
drug myself with laughter,
enjoy the company of faceless strangers...
and the word will become obsolete
and I can completely ignore it...

~

But at night when I lie in bed,
its definition echoes in my head
and haunts my very being,
the truth that makes my eyes flood...

~

I can touch this space beside me...
I can feel this void inside my heart...
I can see this darkness inside my soul...
I feel so empty it’s consuming me...

~

I WAS WRONG...

i need someone to witness my life...
i need someone to resuscitate my hope...
i need someone to restore my faith…
i need someone to complete my soul...

~

Will you be that someone?

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Sappy Musings Series 2


Lost memory - My Sassy Girl OST



“I woke up snuggling on his chest while his arms were wrapped around me…”

Memories of moments like these remind me of how good it is to have someone.

I guess that after all these years; I am finally beginning to enter an age where stability and foundation rises to prominence. I know some guys who are just starting to find a big, wild world out there. But coming from such uncertain place so long ago, I think that a big part of me is already tired of living such an uncertain life. I may not be able to turn my back anymore from the little order, normalcy, and familiarity I get from having a consistent emotional interest.

After the passing of a number of storms outside and inside my heart, I desire to have my peaceful life back.

I am longing that everything be normal once again.

Nag-mu-muni-muni lang muli ngayong malamig at makulimlim na araw...

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

To Be or Not To Be

Whoever said homosexuality is a choice must be out of his mind, for how can anyone ever choose a life that is different, a life full of fear and uncertainties, a life that is lonely at times because of all the suffering and pain one has to endure because of the very connotation of the label.

Why people persist on seeing this as a choice is no mystery; for it serves to satisfy and protect the righteousness of ethics and conduct. The law of morals and logic dictates that no one has the right to put in question the essence of a person; but it is just, proper and right to measure one’s choices within the justice of common morals and standards.

I say it is not a choice I made; my being gay is the essence of my being and as such I don’t have to explain my existence; I have the right to demand respect for my being, just as I respect everyone else’s existence.

Crush

A friend recently told me that it was importance for him to have a crush on another person for him to consider something more serious like love and relationship.

Crush can be defined as an overwhelming sense of attraction and admiration, mostly physical, but it can be some other attribute that one so idolizes and/or idealizes in another person. My definition of crush is instantaneous attraction; yun ang ultimate crush para sa akin.

I started having crushes waaaay back when I was just in grade school. And take note, most of my childhood crushes were of the opposite sex. Some of them I can still vividly remember.

There was Margarita (Rica, for short), a half Spanish beauty with her jet black hair, curly lashes, fair complexion, shy smile, and sleepy-puppy dog eyes. I had the distinct opportunity of sitting next to her in grade 1 class. Then there was Leslie, a combination of beauty and brains. Bibsy (her nickname) was a consistent honor student. We were in the same class for four years or so since we belonged to the honor’s class. There was Lilia, the tall, intelligent, sporty girl. She was a member of the school’s volleyball varsity team. What really caught me was her sunny disposition and sense of humor. I still had my crush on her even when I was in high school. I’d pick her up from her house on the way to school since she lived right beside it. When I think about it now, we could have become an “item” if I had only pursued.

The others were really just passing fancies: Lucille, one of the great grand nieces of the wife of a well-loved former president; Ms. Guzman, our freshman math teacher; Mrs. Jaramillo, our senior math teacher (do you see a trend here or what?).

During those times I kinda knew that I was also attracted to the same sex. It's just that I didn't pay too much attention. For somehow I knew it's not supposed to be. At that time, I haven’t completely grasped the concept of being gay or bisexual.

I can only remember 2 guys in high school. One is John, a really cute, soft-spoken bass player in our rondalla band. He was “silent waters run deep” type. John would always sit quietly in his corner to study his scores during rehearsal, and he would be spanking when he played the bass. I remember hanging out near him under the pretense of trying to learn the bass (which I did, eventually). And there was that professional basketball player mentioned in one of my previous blog entries.

The hallowed halls of College were a different story. Call it a heightened sense of maturity, but I had very few crushes then. But it was there where I met Teresita.

She was this petite, cute, and extremely smart Chinese girl who graduated from Colegio San Agustin. It was instantaneous attraction. She was no outstanding beauty but she had this sweet and unassuming image that I found adorable and irresistible. And so did half of the other guys in the Engineering honor’s class. Ha ha. I did try to get close to her during the first two months of class. One problem, whenever I have a huge crush, I instantly become a blithering idiot. No words would come out of my mouth and my mind would be blank. And so, it was happy contentment just looking at her, especially her cheery smile that made her eyes sparkle. Slowly but surely, though, I did get close to her. I’d have lunch with her and her friends; I’d join their group as we walked to the next class; we’d have long talks when she was waiting for her ride. It helped that one of her close friends was my high school classmate. Later that year, I mustered enough courage to tell her how I felt. But it wasn’t meant to be. She was Chinese, and I was not. After that confession, she started to distance herself from me. Suffice to say that it was the first time that I had my heart truly broken. It was the first time I cried about someone. It was the first time I fell in love.

I really do not know if there is such a thing as rightness or wrongness in acting out on one's crush. Chances are, one may mistake it for love, or in other instances, the basis for love and relationship. It is true that in a way, this is the impetus that makes one act to lead it into possible romance and relationship. But sometimes, if not most of the time, relationships that start this way can get stuck in this level and may never go past beyond what is supposedly idealized and move on to the practical, more sensible and more enduring part of the relationship.

I still get to have crushes. I have acted on some of them, but others remained at that, just a crush. And definitely this is one spice of life that will always be welcome in my life.

Anyway, I have learned my lessons: crush is my impulse of attraction. But I have to see past that for me to really say that what I feel is love.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Sappy Musings Series 1


Love me - Yiruma


Phel, my good friend has just told me that he and this guy that he has been communicating with for the past month are now officially an item. I have to admit that I received the news with a tinge of envy.

It has been almost four years since my last relationship. Being single was a matter of choice, really, and not of circumstance. I chose to focus on work, family, and the choir. And before I knew it, almost 4 years have passed.

Now that I find myself ready to fall once again, I can't seem to find someone.

Masyadong mataas ang expectations at standards ko? I wouldn't say expectations or standards. I'd prefer to term it as "preferences". Lahat naman tayo may virtual picture of the perfect and ideal person for us. But sometimes, being an idealist isn't that too rewarding. Idealism is almost synonymous to perfection. And no one is perfect.

I guess I am an idealist. That is why I am a hopeless romantic. I dream up scenarios of how the perfect guy would sweep me off my feet one of these days. I dream of grand events that would accompany my falling.

Pero, masama din yung sobrang hopeless romantic. Kasi nagiging hopeless na talaga. May tendency mag-ilusyon about romantic settings, scenarios, and proposals. In the end, disappointed ka lang kasi nga one is living in a fantasy world. Kapag hindi na-meet ang romantic expectations mo, bagsak ka na. Ganyan ako eh. Dapat baguhin ko.

It's the small things that matter. A simple text saying "hi" means that the person thought of you. A simple reminder na "lunchtime na. kain na" means that the person cared enough to send you this reminder. A simple joke or witty statement that made you laugh and made an otherwise crappy day more bearable.

Small things. Full of meaning.

Nag-mu-muni-muni lang ngayong malamig at makulimlim na araw...

Saturday, March 08, 2008

A Favor

One early morning, nakatanggap ako ng isang text message from my friend, Lord. Sabi niya na parang gusto niyang magsulat about his recent experiences para makatulong at may mapulutan ng aral ang ibang taong katulad niya. Hence, I started a blog for him.

One of his first requests was for me to write the first entry. I was touched to have been given this distinguished honor. He he he.

I named his blog The Phoenix, just like one of my entries in my own blog. Why The Phoenix? Lord has had a very eventful life during the past year. Maraming ups and downs, but mostly downs. He has been like a phoenix that rises from the ashes but is consumed by flames once again. But nevertheless, he continuously rises and is reborn. He is struggling, but he still manages to come through. Sabi ko sa kanya, baby steps lang muna. Slowly but surely.

So, good luck, Lord. May your blog serve as your therapy in getting through life's difficulties. I will always be praying for you.

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