Thought Bubble - Series 2

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

--- Nicholas Sparks, "The Notebook"

An Awakening

When The Love Falls(Raining Ve - Yiruma

I have always yearned to understand what was happening between us. "Us" won't even suffice: it was never a real thing to begin with. We just hung out and talked and spent time together more often than we did with our other friends and colleagues. Sometimes it pained me that I could not do anything in my power to make you speak about us. Certainly, the ambiguity was present, the ambiguity which you never wanted to clarify.

I could only let you go on with whatever it was that you desired, whether it be ranting about your insecurities, rejoicing over happier news or lamenting about your eventful past. On the other side, I remained silent in the middle of your hyped-up emotion. I was like a child with beaming eyes, eager to hear more stories of how you came about to be the person that you are. For you once told me that listening to you gave you strength to go on, and so I did. I have always wanted you to be okay.

Yet when it was my turn to be heard, the silence was a void. I suspended my disbelief when I convinced myself that you always meant well, whenever you apologized for there was nothing you can do about my bouts of depression, or when you simplified things by saying that everything will be all right. I know I should not expect things from other people; perhaps I was at fault when I wanted more from you when you can only give so little.

You hurt me. You hurt me many, many times. You hurt me so intensely I never dared to tell you anything about it. I was a fool to think that it was a better way of dealing with things. And that, I presume to be my biggest mistake: I abandoned myself. I sought for your happiness that I forgot about mine altogether.

So maybe what we had was love. Maybe I loved you, and I hope to heavens that you loved me back: even just for a split second when we held hands, or during that moment when I looked into your eyes, or the time when I laughed at one of your silly quirks. I'd be content with that idea, I'd be content that in the course of our friendship, there was a moment of mutuality; even if it was so quick I never noticed it all.

I do love you, but that won't do much now. I can fight to save everything that I've invested, but I chose not to. I have treasured you in the past, and that will be enough. Right now, all I can do is wish you well in all your endeavors, including the pursuit of the one who is right for you. When you find that person I wish he can make you happy. You make him happy as well.

The end is only a beginning disguised as a parting. I will still think about you every now and then, probably be sad once in a while, but you need not to worry. For I am okay and I will be okay under all circumstances. It may take time for me to love again, but in the long run, it will be all worth it. I may still risk myself, but every risk in its own respect is worth taking anyway. Love is such a convoluted mixture of emotions and decisions that it's a matter of working your way through it.

Thank you for gracing my life like a whirlwind, leaving me breathless and hurt, inspired and furious, affectionate and listless. You've taught me quite a lot and I learned them in the most humbling manner. Thank you for showing me what it means to be human, to commit mistakes, and to discover how to regain yourself after everything that had happened.

My Valentine Date

I woke up very early this morning. Siyempre, masama ang gising ko kasi I woke up at 6am, only a few hours after I caught sleep at 12:45am. I had come home from a particularly difficult rehearsal with the choir. Plus the fact that the night before, someone ate something that I intended to give someone as a Valentine present. In other words, kulang ako sa tulog at medyo bugnutin ako…

As I was finishing my breakfast, I got one of the most important message this valentine's day---from Robin. Actually, it was a forwarded message, but because it came from Robin (who is trying to find the good side of life despite his illness), I took notice of the wisdom of his message, which goes:

Good morning. : ) : ) : )

TODAY, don't think of saying any UNKIND WORD, think of d people who can't speak

Don't complain about d FOOD u eat, some have nothing.

Don't complain about LIFE, many die young.

When u're tired of ur job, think of d jobless, d disabled & those who wish they had yours.

When SAD THOUGHTS Seem to put u down, Paint a SMILE on ur face & Thank GOD u're alive & u're around.

LIFE's a gift

LIVE IT WELL.

May God Bless You!

Happy Valentines Day. : )

Suddenly, I was taken aback by his message. Napaka-selfish ko. Na-feel ko na medyo hindi maganda ang internal aura ko. I have so many things to be thankful for that I shouldn't complain or be negative about so many things.

And so, during a moment of insipiration, naghanap ako ng date ngayon for lunch. Robin's message moved me to have a lunch date this Valentine's Day.

11:30 am kanina. I was in the Megamall area due to field work. Hahanapin ko dito ang ka-lunch date ko, sabi ko. Ikot. Ikot pa rin. Wala.

Labas ako papuntang EDSA on the way to Shang Mall. Lakad. Lakad pa. Wala pa rin! Wala pa rin akong ka-lunch date!

And then I went to Manuela nagbabaka-sakaling dun ko makita ang ka-date ko. Wala pa rin.

Finally I just decided to have lunch by myself at Shang Food Court. Alone. Wala akong ka-date!

Then naglakad ako pabalik ng Megamall to check on some stuff before returning to my office in Sta Ana.

In Ohana (near Figaro and U2 in Megamall), I saw a thin, 7-year old girl asking for coins.

Sabi ko, gusto mong kumain? She smiled. Her name was Apple and she wanted KFC chicken. I finally found my Valentine Date!

But lo and behold! She was with her cousin RJ, an 8-year old thin boy, and her ate, Maria Fe, who is about 11 years old.

I had 3 angels for a Valentine's date!

They ordered chicken and then I bought ice cream on stick for all of us. I couldn't stay long because I had to be back at the office. And then I said goodbye.

Thank you, kuya, they said.

I smiled.

In my heart, I said, thank you, too. For their gift to me was most precious of all. Grateful smiles. Baon ko ang ngiti nila.

That was enough to keep my heart in its proper place again.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.