EPISODE II - Ang Pagdadalaga ni Rico Miguel

WARNING: Some words or language may not be suitable for young readers. Parental guidance is advised

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Looking back, the first indication that I was gay manifested itself when I was just five years old. I distinctly remember watching a movie being shown on television. One of the scenes had the young male lead walking along the beach topless. I remember having an erection, and playing with myself after as I took a bath. Although of course, at that time I didn't know what an erection was or that what I was doing was masturbation, for that matter. From that point, I would regularly 'play' in the shower while fantasizing about some male actor I had seen on television. And all of this happened before I even went to prep school.

Grade school was pretty normal for me. All the unique urges that I experienced prior to it seem to have disappeared altogether. It all became a dim memory. I even remember having a long time crush on two female schoolmates, Margarita and Leslie. It was the usual puppy love that most of us have experienced. Would you believe that I even felt extreme admiration for some of our female teachers (usually math teachers -- ha ha!)?

But things changed when I stepped onto the hallowed halls of our high school. It must have been the raging hormones that peak during the teen years. I began to have this unbelievable infatuation for a PBA basketball player when I was in 4th year high. He had nice eyes, and huge, strong looking legs that held up a body to die for. He was one of the poster boys of his basketball generation (alongside two of his team mates). In interviews, he would come across as articulate and smart. I never failed to watch every single game that he played. I would cut out photos and articles about him. My parents and classmates all thought it was a regular 'fan' thing.

Alongside my basketball idol, I began cutting out photos of men whom I found attractive and hide them in a brown manila envelope (which I still have to this day, empty, the paper brittle and full of creases).

In college, I still did not grasp the concept of being gay. But the signs were already there. Everyday, I would make it a point to pass through the men's gym and locker room to discreetly ogle at the guys taking a shower or using the exercise equipment. I would go out of my way to be with this good looking member of our barkada. Even to the extent of helping him with his assignments, exams and other schoolwork, all in the guise of barkadahan.

But behind all that, I began to question myself. Studying in an exclusive Catholic school all my life, where I was bombarded with doctrines and teachings contrary to what I felt, did not help allay my fears and the feeling of disgust and self hatred that began to consume me. I was confused. I began to question the very God that made me. I tried to correct what I was feeling by courting girls. Obviously, none of my attempts were successful (I guess women feel whether a guy was really serious with them or not)

The feeling of guilt and loathing intensified and I started to withdraw into myself. I never let anyone get too close to me for fear of discovery. I rejected who I was. And this continued even onto my professional life.

Until I met Kevin...